The 28th of May

28. may 2017 at 13:01 |  Crapholder
She'll bloom like a desert rose.

He once said: "This big step just got a metric fuck ton bigger."

... and days will never be the same.
Parallels. Universes merging.
I see several realities at once.

"... Until your face becomes nothing but a blur of pale ashes in my mind."

Weak, she drinks her sorrow away, away, away, until everything becomes red again.
She's a shipwreck, she can't help herself, she can only dream.

... The idea.
Not anymore.

A chapter. A reccuring character in her book of life.

All this time.
There's only been an illusion of a choice.

... And everything seems perfect but there is something wrong.
She can feel it in her bones.
It's as if there were voices inside her head again.
But there's no one there anymore.

it's. all. in. my. mind. goddammit.

Flick of a switch, sounds and colours.
Same and sane and same all over again.
She gets bored and bored and bored ...

It's just a waiting game now.

The 1st of November

1. november 2016 at 18:52 |  Crapholder
This will make you love again.

Breathing again.
Absolute and utter retardation.
Thoughts dissapearing.

Like a turn off switch for my brain.

Cold outside, warm inside.
Share your deepest, darkest secrets with me.

Think of England.

In all the possible realities and alternative universes, constants and variables.
No walls, only books.

... If I have to switch the lights off, I wanna switch them off with you.

The 6th of October

6. october 2016 at 22:20 |  Crapholder
... And one day I'll wear Burberry trench coats.

I missed Autumn. I really did.
I didn't even know that I missed until I've felt it. Here, in this wicked, wratched and exceedingly revolting city that I call home now. The days are still sunny, playing magic through colourful leaves. Evenings are cold and cozy under a dim candle light and a cup of tea. Reading hidden under the blanket becomes my favourite way to spend evenings.

Paris, you remind me of Prague.
Where I learnt to be stronger than I though I could be.

But you also remind me of London.
Your twin sister, parner in crime and your worst enemy. You've grown up together, Londinium and Lutèce, you've shared so much of the history together. Different in so many ways, but both so marvelously brilliant.
It's a strategic place.

But most of all, Paris, I feel like I've known you forever. As soon as I stepped out of the train that brought me from a sunny countryside of Provence, I knew that I'll never leave.

... It takes one breath to fall in love.

Paris, I love you. I love your old churches, your cold-hearted skyscrapes and your piss-stinking tube. I love the people, ignorant selfish city rats who know they better mind their own business. I love the life you gave me, the thoughts you freed, the paths you've shown me.

I've built a fort and overcame my losses once again.

Autumn, my dear Autumn that I haven't seen in seven long years ...

Please stay beautiful.


24. june 2016 at 20:53 |  Depths
My name is Ksenia.
I was born in Russia, grew up in the Czech Republic and have been living in France for seven years now.
And I dreamt of England.

Today, I am deeply saddened. I woke from that sort of wonderful fantasyland dream with an immense migraine that was certainly plotting to kill me. Shortly after managing to keep my eyes open for more than a second, I fearfully looked at my phone and saw Cortana indicating that the United Kingdom, the country I admired my entire life, has voted to leave.

Tomorrow wasn't kinder.
But the next day will be.

I just really really hoped that I was still dreaming. Unfortunately, I was not.

Utterly shocked, I was not able to function properly the entire day. No one was. The atmosphere at work, dense and gruesome, was projecting the real disappointment brought by these new, dark clouds sneakily hovering in our personal limbo. Brexit was the only thing anyone talked about.

People from multinational companies are already being fired. The economy collapsing. London in depression. Scaremongering is now being called reporting. The pound has dropped by 10%, breaking all records, but people celebrate. We are finally free. They say. No more dictatorship. They say. 68% of voters had no education beyond GCSEs. Most of them knew no facts and never even bothered to do their research. Leave was strongest in regions most economically dependent on the EU. Cornwall, while celebrating the so called victory, demands now for England to pay for their funding. Garage suddenly denies anything about NHS and the promised money. The Pandora box has been opened.

Working class will suffer. Families will suffer. People whom we know will suffer. Our friends, our relatives, our colleagues, our partners.

I certainly do not have any voice in the matter of the UK divorcing our fucked up little Union. But the thing is, I do believe in EU. I do believe in us, young and hopeless, born in the age of utter insecurity, without knowing what to expect tomorrow. And most of all, I believe in the future of the European Union, messy as may be.

But it it us who lost the right to live, work, and study together. It is us who lost the new opportunities and experiences. Those who united the Union are now tearing it apart. And it will be us who will suffer.

I remember when in 2004, the Czech Republic joined the European Union. We could suddenly pay by both the Czech Crowns and the Euro almost everywhere. Whenever I had a chance, I bought my cheeseburger with one Euro instead of 20 Crowns. It seemed fine. It really, truly did. But it never became a reality. Postponing, postponing. The Czech are fantastic at procrastination. One of the aspects I must have brought from there. But now, the UK is leaving and the Czechout might as well be considered.

Frexit on the other hand though? I think not. In France, despite being chronically lazy, there is one thing we love more than our cheese - protesting. Blocking. Manifesting. Ranting. Raging. Expressing ourselves and showing anyone who dares to doubt us what we think. We will stop working. Our trains will stop going. Our rubbish will pile on the streets and we will not stop until one of us wins. The French nation is strong, diverse and absolutely marvellous.

I may not have the same rights and privileges as my French, German, Dutch, and notably British friends and acquaintances, born Europeans, in the system of social security and democracy, but I am not alone.

Fear and ignorance won today.
And maybe we're all screwed up now. But we're screwed up together.

United we stand.
Wherever I was born, wherever I lived, wherever I stay.

I am European.